It’s been months since I last written an article worthy to be published in Definitely Filipino or even a decent story to be posted on Wattpad. Life has been weird and hard for me these days lately and I’m proud to say I am still alive and kicking. I know, with all the topnotcher booze (ranked 8th in the Psychometrician Board Exam) and NMAT stuff lately drained my time and energy. Not to mention losing someone in the family again. I wanted to hate God of taking people away from me while I am in the middle of something but that just how life works. God will do things in my life as He pleases and no I’m not mad at Him. I know He does things based on a master plan only He can see so I put my 100% trust in Him, knowing that all this shit I am going through will all make sense sometime in the future.
These days, I don’t have responsibilities, no classes to go to, and no deadlines to catch. Basically, I am a bum waiting and preparing for medical school applications (and working on personal projects). Life has been hard since I go from depressive states to okay states while I am not clinically diagnosed, the up and down thrust is a struggle. Sometimes they fuel the cathartic rookie paintings and sometimes I get to sit down and type whatever it is in my head. I just don’t post them since they’re clearly a waste of any of my reader’s time. My hardcore cathartic writings I think are not that pleasant to my reader’s eyes so I prefer them to be just soft copies sitting down on my laptop’s hard drive.
While I am in the “waiting phase”, I want to use this time to write and create things but after months/years of inactivity I still ask myself “What now?”
I know DF is just a click away, so as my Wattpad account, MS Word is so easy to open and I still have good command of words. The problem is I don’t know where to start again. You see, the “ememalberts” persona I had in DF was a pleasant boost for a potential writing career. I knew it. I was once part of the community and I was being read and acknowledged. I know that. I KNOW. It’s just that “ememalberts” seemed like someone I couldn’t recognize anymore. I was sixteen that time, hyped up with all the passion and energy to write. It was me, sixteen years old who was so clueless of life’s shit which pretty explains the boldness and eagerness and the energy that all went to the juvenile writing. ALAS! I got rejected plenty of times, gave my all to a publication that didn’t seem to care, continued writing quality academic stuff for others (without pay), tried to push myself in the Wattpad fame arena (and marvelously failed), and here I am a board topnotcher with a huge ball of self-loathe behind the scene because I just can’t jump back to writing like I used to.
Add the fact that my baby Apollo (Sony Vaio E-series Laptop) has broken LCD. Apollo’s disability right now is one factor to the rarity of writing despite the plenty free time. The option of buying a new laptop came to my head. I always wanted a MacBook, maybe I can have one right now since I have money. But all people around me told me it’s not worth it. I could buy any Windows model with better specs without spending much. I want to give these people a shrug because I know all that. I know what I am getting to. It’s just that I always wanted one and I think I deserve some treat since I managed to drag my ass up the topnotcher’s list. I commend myself for living and fighting despite life becoming unpleasant by the minute. I am proud that I graduated on time despite having demons haunting me down ever since the year started. I want to be smart about my laptop choices but maybe, having a Macbook wouldn’t be so bad. And I might be greedy but come on, a Macbook might make me feel writer-y again. If between practicality and greed, this time I am leaning to greed and it might be crazy but I am someone who makes unconventional choices which are regretful for others but are good enough for me.
I am not disposing Apollo. Apollo is such a strong baby for keeping up with me throughout college. I want him fixed honestly and I love love him as I love my life. And too much of the writer laptop dilemma. I’ll let you know once Apollo gets fixed.
Aside from the laptop dilemma, I struggle too because people seek my comfort and help when I am down. And others think just because I’m a Psych major, I am not a resident of mental health shit and depression town. It’s difficult because I struggle too with my demons and they get stronger and stronger every day. I just happen to have a strong support system and I have art that helps in coping. Writing, painting, reading, things that don’t have the pressure and cut-throat theme keep me sane that’s why I keep doing them. That’s why you are reading this.
I have plans: unmade websites, articles, stories, novels and novellas, new and big ideas, some I never thought I would consider. They are too many to mention and I can’t even wrap my head around them yet. I feel like a newly opened hotel in peak season, and the ideas are my guests rushing to me like crazy. I am taking my time, trying to quiet my mind from the stress of my two biggest exams this year, silencing my demons in the process and trying to push the inexistent limits of my creative self. But for now, I want to thank you for sticking up with me. For still reading despite me blabbering about my life right now. I still read things curated by artists, listened to them, look at them. I get inspired by them and I really can’t wait to be back in the field. Well, see you around. 😀
May God bless you and have a good day ahead. Thank you reader, from the bottom of my heart/hypothalamus. 😀